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Jesus in the bar Gus and his wife Two Drunks Beer Nut Joke Bubba Drunk Irishman
Last night at the Bar 11 Tequila Shots Fishing New Drunk Test Some Nerve String Joke
A guy is at the bar talking to the bartender. The discussion goes on about the most shots of tequila in a row ever done in the bar without throwing up. The bartender tells him that the record is ten straight. The man laughs and says, "I can do that, no problem." So the bartender sets up 11 shots on the bar for the man. The man looks, laughs and quickly downs all 11 in about 5 minutes. Everyone in the bar watches in anticipation waiting for him to throw it up but he doesn't. Eventually, the staggers out the door and gets into a cab. The next evening that same man comes back to the bar looking very worn out, and orders a ginger ale. The bartender looks at him and says, "What, no more tequila?" The man looks up and says, "Not for a while my friend. You see, when I got home last night, the room started spinning and I blew chunks." The bartender says, "Blowing chunks is not that bad. Most people who drink that much usually throw up." The man replies, "But you don't understand. Chunks is my dog!
The bartender was washing his glasses, when an elderly Irishman came in. With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey. The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, too. The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back, who moved very slowly. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar. The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, too. The third patron to enter the bar was a redneck, who swaggered into the bar and hollered, "Barkeeper, set me up a cold one! Hey, is that God's Boy down there?" The barkeeper nodded, so the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one, too.
As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out the door. Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Italian felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door. Jesus walked toward the redneck, but the redneck jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't touch me! I'm drawin' disability!"
Gus said to his wife over dinner, "You know,
drinking makes you beautiful."
Puzzled, the woman said, "I don't drink." "I know," said Gus, "but I do."
Remember what you did last night?
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You got a bit drunk, and left the pub dancing down the street to some imaginary songs of freedom |
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You wake up next morning with hangovers, and huge memory gap from when you left the pub |
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You close your eyes, because the light hurts, and in the distance you hear the sound of drizzling water... |
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What's going on? You remember chatting to some woman on the way home, but that's it... |
| Until you walk into the bathroom and discover...Click for Image |
Two notorious drunks are sitting at the bar. One is crying. The other asks
what's wrong. "I've puked all over myself again and my wife is gonna kill me." The other drunk says "do what I do pal. Explain to your wife that some other drunk puked on you. Put a ten spot in your shirt pocket and tell her that the drunk was sorry and gave you ten dollars to have your clothes cleaned." "Sounds like a great idea" says drunk number 1.When he gets home, sure enough his wife is fuming and begins yelling at him
about his clothes and how disgusting he is. The drunk starts spinning the lie and says " look for yourself, there's ten bucks in my shirt pocket." His wife looks in the pocket and finds twenty dollars. "Wait a minute, I thought you said the guy gave you ten for puking on you," says the wife. "He did," says the drunk. "But he shit in my pants too." The Beer Nut JokeA guy was watching the game, drinking a few beers and popping beer nuts into
his mouth, when his wife began yelling at him. He turned his head toward her and accidentally popped a beer nut into his ear. Both him and his wife tried and tried but neither could get it out. All right she said, lets get you to the hospital. As they walked outside their daughter and her boyfriend walked up and she asked, where are you and dad going. The mother said, we're off to the hospital, your father has a beer nut caught in his ear. The boyfriend then asked, before you go can I try to dislodge it. The boyfriend then stuck two fingers up the fathers nose and told him to blow. The father blew and out popped the beer nut. The mother then asked the father, our daughters boyfriend is so intelligent, what do you think he'll be when he grows up. The father replied, by the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law. FishingTony and Harold, two avid fisherman and well-known drunks, were out in a
boat on their favorite lake one day drowning some worms and polishing off some brews. Suddenly, Tony got what he thought was a nibble. Reeling it in he found a bottle with a cork in it. Naturally curious, he uncorked the bottle and a large genie appeared. The genie said "I will grant you one wish." Tony thought for a second and said "I wish this whole lake was beer." Poof! His wish came true. The lake was now filled with their favorite brew. Harold looked at Tony in disgust and said "you asshole, now we have to piss in the boat." Some NerveA guy who has already had quite a few beers enters an already very busy bar
and says to the bartender, give me a beer, give everyone in the place a beer and have one yourself. The bartender serves everyone a beer and draws one for himself. He walks over to the benefactor, toasts him and asks for his money. The man tells him that ran out of money a long while back. The bartender physically ejects him from the bar and deposits him prone on the sidewalk. The man picks himself up and strodes back into bar. He crawls on a stool and says to the bartender "give me a beer and give everyone here a beer, but none for you, you get too mean when you drink". String JokeA string walks into a bar, hops on the bar stool, and says, "Bartender,
gimme a beer." The bartender says, "I'm sorry sir, we don't serve strings here." Disappointed, the string hops down from the stool and goes to the next bar. He hops on the bar stool and says, again, "Bartender, gimme a beer." The bartender says, "I'm sorry sir, we don't serve strings here." The string continues down the row of bars in this fashion. At every bar, he hops on the barstool and says, "Bartender, gimme a beer." Each time, "I'm sorry sir, we don't serve strings here." Finally he gets to the last bar in the area. He's tired, he's sweaty, all he wants is a beer. He trudges inside, climbs on the barstool, and says, "Bartender, gimme a beer." The bartender says, "I'm sorry, sir, we don't serve strings here." Pissed off, the string walks outside to think. He's a hard-working string. He deserves a beer. Finally, he comes up with an idea. He twists himself up and musses up his hair, then heads back into the bar. "Bartender, gimme a beer!" Bartender says, "Hey, aren't you that string that was in here a few minutes ago?" The string says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."Bubba and Bubba Jr. were driving down an Arkansas back road drinkin' some
Budweisers when they spotted a Police roadblock ahead. Bubba Jr says: 'Dad, are we gonna get caught drinking and driving agin?' Bubba pulls off the road and says: No, son. Finish your beer, peel off the label and stick it on your forehead, stash the bottle under the seat and I'll do the talkin' They pull up to the roadblock and are stopped, the officer asks 'You boyz been drinkin?' No, Bubba says, we're on the patch! Drunk IrishmanAn Irishman's been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally says
that the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures that he will crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he tries again to stand up and falls flat on his face. So the Irishman crawls home. At the door he again tries to stand up, only to fall flat on his face. So he then craws through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep. He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting. " So you've been out drinking again!!!" " How did you know?" he asks. " The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again." Ways to tell you've been drinking too much:1. Don't recognize wife/husband unless seen through bottom of glass
2. That damn pink elephant followed you home again
3. You're as jober as a sudge
4. The shrubbery is drunk from too frequent watering
5. You fall off the floor
6. You hold on to the ground to keep from falling up
Various Short Beer JokesA Mexican, Polack, Black, Italian, a Priest, a Rabbi, and a Nun walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "What is this? Some kind of Joke?"
Two condoms walked by a gay bar and one says to the other you want to go in and get shit faced
Q: WHAT DO MEN AND BEER BOTTLES HAVE IN COMMON?
A: THEY ARE BOTH EMPTY FROM THE
NECK UP!!!!!!!1Q: what is the definition of an Irish queer?
A: An Irishman who likes women better than whisky
Q: Do you know why beer goes through your system so fast?
A: Because it does not have to stop to change color.
Q: How can you tell if you're wasted?
A: When there are traces of blood in your alcohol stream
Q: Why did God make beer?
A: So the Irish wouldn't take over the world.
Q: What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
A: One less drunk.
Q: Why is Coors Light like making love in a canoe?
A: They're both fucking
close to water.Q: What's the difference between a Indian squaw and a Indian Princess?
A: about 5 beers
Q: What do you call 1 white man surrounded by 20 Indians?
A: Bartender.
Yesterday scientists in Canada revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory they fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.
A horse walks into a bar, pulls up a stool, and orders a beer. The bartender asks, "Why the long face?"
A pony walks into a bar. The bartender says, "What's the matter with you?" I'm just a little horse!
Have you heard the new pickup line at the gay bars? Can I push you stool up for you.
Why did god put a woman's vagina and asshole so close together?? So you can turn her over and carry her home like a six pack!
Two guys walk into a bar. You think one of them would have seen it!
Three guys walk into a bar. You'd think the third guy would've ducked!
A three legged dog walks into a saloon, looks around, and says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
This guy walks into a bar with a large bullfrog perched on his head. "Where the hell did you get that?" asked the barman. "Well, the bullfrog replied -you won't believe it but it started as this little wart on my ass!"
The New Drunk TestA driver was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. As the officer
was writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes in the car. "What are those for?" she asked suspiciously. "I'm a juggler," the man replied. "I use those in my act." "Well, show me," the officer requested. So he got out the machetes and started juggling them, first three, then more, finally seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show and amazing the officer. Another car passed by. The driver did a double take, and said, "My God. I've got to give up drinking! Look at the test they're giving now."
